- “I love watching that Ander Herrera play y’know”
- “Some player, yeah.”
- “Combative”
- “Aye combative. That’s a good word.”
- “Good on the ball too though. Same with a lot of these kinda diminutive Spanish midfielders.”
- “Wait, diminutive?”
- “It means small.”
- “Nah I know what it means. I’m not- I just mean like, he’s not small is he?”
- “… what?”
- “He’s not small. He’s 6ft tall.”
- “Nah he’s not. He’s 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “6ft tall. looked it up online, see? 1.82 metres. 6ft 0”
- “That can’t be right? I mean look at him! He’s 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “Nah man, 6ft. Says it here.”
- “Well would you look at that. 6ft. Hm”
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- “Missed you at fives the other day.”
- “Yeah.”
- “And Davie’s birthday drinks at the weekend.”
- “I know, I just had a-“
- “The Ander Herrera thing?”
- “It’s the Ander Herrera thing.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “It’s a bigger deal than I thought it was.”
- “Is that a joke?”
- “I don’t know anymore. I just can’t get my head around any of it. You live your life thinking … no, knowing that Ander Herrera is 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “I don’t know what to say to you, mate. Sometimes things aren’t really what you think they are. It’s all about perception. Here, look at this right. ‘10 facts that will change the way you see the world’. This is the kind of thing I mean. Fact 1: ‘Cleopatra was alive closer to the advent of the iPhone that the building of the pyramids’”
- “Yeah?”
- “Fact 2: Alaska is the northernmost, easternmost and westernmost state in the USA.”
- “I mean I didn’t know that but I suppose-“
- “Ander Herrera is 6ft tall.”
- “He’s not! He can’t be! Look at him! It doesn’t make sense. He’s 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “Mate…”
- “He’s 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “This isn’t healthy.”
- “5 ft 5 / 5 ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
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- “Look mate, I’m worried about you. We all are. Your insistence that Ander Herrera is 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder and not in fact 6ft tall has gone too far. Look at the state of this place! You don’t eat, you don’t sleep. I mean come on man; you have kids! They keep telling their friends at school, 'Dad doesn’t play with us anymore. He just sits in his chair insisting that Ander Herrera is 5ft 5 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.' When was the last time you spent any time with your family?”
- “Look at him though.”
- “He’s 6 ft. You have to accept this.”
- “I… I don’t think I can.”
- “You have to…”
- “He’s 5ft 5 / 5ft 6, the same as every Spanish midfielder.”
- “I thought you might say that. Look mate, we’ve got someone here who wants to see you. Someone you need to talk to… Ander, come on in mate. “
Ander Herrera enters the room, banging his head on the door frame as he does so.
“Don’t take the piss Ander mate, eh?”
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